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11. jan. 2014

new years resolution... fly



This is my final resolution for 2014 (read #1, #2, #3 and #4) and it's definitely the hardest one to write. Mostly because it was a bit of a revelation in the past months or so... A sudden wonder, which made me re-evaluate a lot of things I've done and a lot of things I wanted to do.

I've been unhappy for a long time. I don't know when it started, or even how, but I feel like I've always walked around with this hollow ache in my chest and a feeling of being held down by lead in my shoes. It's been a constant, something I've gotten entirely used to and something I only really notice when I'm really happy... Because once you feel like you've been floating, even for just a second, it hits you quite a lot harder when the blissful bubble pops and you've, once again, plummeted towards the ground.

For a long time I was resigned to the fact that happiness was beyond my reach and I made myself be content with the small highs instead; those few, precious moments filled with adventure, friendship, laughter, joy, and excitement. But after years of telling myself  that I didn't need anything more than that, I've come to the realization that I do need more of it. And more importantly, I want to need more of it. It simply occured to me one day, out of the blue, that I really, really want to be alive, because up until this point, I feel like I've just been exsisting rather than actually living. It reminds me a lot of this Oscar Wilde quote actually:

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”


I want to feel lighter. I want this heavy sensation in my chest to slowly fade. And I'm not naïve enough to think that a year would make a difference - but it's a start, right? Baby steps and all. So here's to 2014. I'm hoping for the best, also for all of you out there - thank you for stopping by the blog. It means a lot.

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Dette er mit sidste nytårsforsæt for 2014 (read #1, #2, #3 and #4), og det er uden tvivl det sværeste at skrive. Mest fordi dette kom som lidt af en åbenbaring i de seneste par måneder: det var en pludselig undren, der banede vej til en masse selverkendelse, og re-evaluering af mig selv og hvad jeg vil opnå.

Jeg har ikke været glad i lang tid. Jeg husker ikke, hvornår dette startede eller egentlig hvordan, men så længe jeg kan huske, har jeg vandret rundt med en trykkende, tung fornemmelse for brystet og følelsen af at have fødderne permanent indkapslet i bly. Det har været en konstant; noget jeg har vænnet mig til, og noget jeg kun virkelig opfatter, når jeg oplever lykke i bare et sekund... For det er der kontrasten er: at gå fra glædesrus til depression på et kort øjeblik. Og det rammer hårdt.

I meget lang tid har jeg accepteret, at glæde, af den mere permanente sort, er udenfor min rækkevidde, og jeg har ladet mig selv være tilfreds med de små øjeblikke jeg har haft, fyldt med eventyr, venskaber, latter, glæde og spænding... Men efter at have sagt dette til mig selv i årevis, har jeg indset, at jeg gerne vil være gladere og jeg vil virkelig, virkelig gerne være i live, for jeg føler at jeg, op til dette punkt, blot har eksisteret... Og det er ikke nok. Det minder mig lidt om dette Oscar Wilde citat faktisk:

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

 

Jeg vil gerne være lettere. Jeg ønsker at denne tyngende fornemmelse langsomt svinder hen... Og jeg er ikke naïv nok til at tro, at et år vil gøre den store forskel, men det er da en lille start, ikke? Små skridt. Så alt held og lykke til både mig selv og alle jer, der læser med. Jeg håber at 2014 bliver som vi alle håber. Tak fordi i kigger med i bloggen - det betyder meget.



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6 kommentarer:

  1. Nice post !

    XO CHAMA FASHION
    www.chamafashion.com

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  2. Beautiful Post! I can so relate! just discovered your blog!

    Liv
    www.unbelievablyhuman.com

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    1. Thank you! I'm happy you stopped by :-)

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  3. I just stumbled on your blog andI love this post! I have a similar resolution for this year! Good luck! :)

    missjobson.blogspot.ca

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    1. Thank you, and good luck to you as well!

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